Hola desde Espana!
We have only had three days of teaching so far and I already see myself growing in lots of ways- in my thinking, in my freedom. I came into G42 with a fear that since I didn’t know my exact calling down to the location and plan I would already be further behind the other interns. Well the first day we discussed how the will of God is to just be yourself and love Him. To be ready for the season He has called you into and to just keep moving. or in Nemo words: “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!”
Be WHO God made you to be. By being a witness to the power of God working in your life.
:: Welp, here is part of my story…
Over the past year I have wrote about how hard re-adjusting has been and some other things in my life, but I have never expressed what I am about to beyond my closest support system. I want to be careful with my words, but to say in just my plain and honest thought… when I got off the race I had a plan of marriage when I got home. I wanted to be married to my someone special. I wanted both our dreams of missions to become one and to move overseas and follow the Lord together- but God had other plans. He basically shattered my life to pieces even more from how He had on the race… or at least I thought that at the time. Now having only been at G42 for not even a week, I have already seen some of the plans God has had in store for me all along. That painful situation of God stripping me of my desires has only been the beginning of a blessed path ahead of me.
I would be lying if I said I accepted that sooner than later. At first, I was angry at God. I prayed lots. I yelled lots. I cried lots. I asked and asked for Him to restore our relationship- I asked God to give him back to me numerous times. I asked God to “fix me” so he would desire me again. and while God did not answer my prayers in that manner I know He still has answered them. He always answers our prayers, just not always how we thought He would.
God has been shaping me for His Kingdom. I am His daughter and my heart is His and His alone. If we follow our hearts and surrender all to Him, He will show us the next step. so often I have realized I went to Jesus in need- asking Him “What can You do for me?”… when I should of been going to Him saying “What more can I give up for you?”
In the past 3 days I have been learning what it fully means to need and give in the flesh- how to take care of others when we ourselves are in need as well. John 8:32 says… “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The problem has not been that I don’t know the truth of the Gospel, it is that I have still believed the lies even when I have known the truth.
I have been scared of change. I have been scared of the uncertain. I have been scared of things out of my control- yes even after having been on the race it is still a struggle! I have been the prisoner still sitting in the cell, even with the door wide open for me to escape.
Now, I have been reminded that I am a daughter of the Highest! I am His beloved. Fredriksz, one of our teachers here, said to us… “The wilderness is a preparation place for freedom, but so many of us die in the wilderness without ever getting to our inheritance/promised land because of fear.”
So tonight is a new beginning- a new beginning at looking at myself from the eyes of God. not from my own perspective. not from the kids in Africa I’ve met, not from my friends, not from others’ who have hurt me. but from my Father’s eyes. I trust Him. I lay at His feet in worship and now I just wait.
I wait for Him to move. for His overwhelming love. for more of His peace. for His promise.
I pray you can do the same :]