more on the without – part dos.

here is part one from my friend Stacey in case you missed the first re-post.


Today is one of those days, you know, the one where it seems that you are on the brink of tears for no apparent reason? It’s one of those. Except that there is a reason, one that I’ve avoided for about a year now. There’s this book that I’m sure most of you have heard about, it’s called Kisses From Katie; each time that I’ve spoken at a church since I went on the Race, people have suggested that I read it. What they don’t know, is that I am all too familiar with Katie’s story.

3 years ago, I was at a pivotal point in life: I was a recent college graduate with a new job and a relationship that seemed great. But, I was empty when all things worldly suggested that I should have been full. So, I began to search for the thing that would bring me to life. I sat in my comfortable chair behind my teaching desk and read Katie’s blog during my lunch break.  I knew it was a dangerous thing to read. I knew that I was seeking more and that the Lord had placed big dreams in my heart, so I read. I read and cried and instantly regretted. I knew that the place my heart had entered into would be a place I would reside, although I wasn’t sure if I would be a temporary or permanent resident.

After coming home from the Race and squad leading, I still knew that my heart had entered into that place, and I was still unsure if I would be a temporary or permanent resident. I’m just going to say the thing that I’m not supposed to say: I hoped it was temporary so that I could go back to life as planned. I want to grasp those words and shove them back into my mouth because it’s awful, isn’t it? But, I can’t because it’s the truth and, well,  I believe in the truth.

My roommates have been passing around the Kisses From Katie book, so I nonchalantly said I would read it. But, I forgot about it and went on with life. Until two days ago, without warning or request, it appeared on my bed. Oh, crap. Not this thing again.

I sat on my comfortable bed, my house full of food, cute clothes, and warm showers, while holding the book away from me, as if opening it would release a snakes den and a swarm of bees. I examined the cover and stared at it, until I finally decided to turn the page and begin reading. I immediately told myself to stop. I felt the tears and the stirring and the desire to be the one that tucks these children in at night. I immediately told myself that I already knew all of these things and that someone who is ignorant about poverty and the state of the world should be the recipient of this book.  Not me. Not the girl who has traveled to the 3rd world and held the precious children that she describes. Not the girl that has already had these things awakened in her heart. Not me.

But, it is for me. Because, in the stillness of night, the thought of children growing up without a family haunts me. And, it’s in that stillness, that Jesus whispers to me that I’m choosing to ignore the obvious. I’m choosing to ignore what’s in my heart. I’m choosing to ignore that I’m restless in the mundane, because I was created to love the child that rests their head on the street at night. I’m choosing to ignore that lies creep in and tell me that my heart and desires are too much to ask of a husband, that the with will never happen if I follow my passion where it leads.

Some days, I view Jesus as this unicorn (random)  and my life is a room of crystal glasses; He wrecks everything and leaves it in pieces that I am left to gather. But, on most days, those crystal glasses are actually plastic; no matter how many times they’re kicked or moved or knocked over, they never actually shatter. And, it’s then, that I’m reminded that my heart and desires are more of a blessing than a curse.

Some days, the without feels like a place that could shred my heart into pieces. No matter which way I lean, something has to give. The beautiful thing is: if the Father isn’t enough in the without, then he won’t be enough in the with either. It seems as though my path is leading to setting up camp for a bit longer in the without. So, if anyone has a headlamp or sleeping bag, throw it my way, would you? I think the nights are going to get a lot colder before they get warmer.


—> consider helping support Stacey’s nonprofit (to help stop human trafficking) called The 27 Project– to read more about it click here. or donate directly here. she is trying to raise $10,000 by the end of September and has $1,676 of that so far!! Thanks :]



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