Tomorrow marks a year since my dad’s death. While I’ve been counting down the days in my head… 2 more months, 1 month, 2 weeks, 1 day – not out of excitement, but out of dread not knowing what emotions I would be feeling – I sit here today in peace.
To be honest, it feels weird.
I have heard and read it all. Stories of friends who have lost a parent in a car accident. Stories of friends who should have lost a parent, but they miraculously survived. Stories of friends who have a father, but have never met him. My cousins who lost their dad (my dad’s brother) unexpectedly when they were very young and even stories of friends who have lost a parent and the other parent is terminally ill with cancer or a heart disease. A story of a friend whose mom committed suicide. The list goes on and on…
And yet there are still times – like during a wedding when you see the bride walking down the isle with her dad – that you feel alone in your pain.
I can’t explain the why. I don’t know why friend A’s dad survived his heart attack and mine didn’t. I don’t know why the Lord decided it was my dads time when I was living overseas (which He knew has always been one of my biggest fears in leaving my family behind). I can’t go back and change the fact that my dad was late to the airport to say goodbye to me when I left for Spain and so I went through customs without waiting for him. But I also know I can’t let the regret seep in.
I don’t have the answers. The thoughts and reminders will never go away. But I do know one thing, without a doubt.
I have another loving Father who gives me comfort and peace when I can’t explain it. that surpass all understanding. Another Father who gives us all these stories so His glory can be lifted higher. A Father who truly KNOWS what we have all experienced. because we have all at some point in time lost something or someone. We have all at some point felt alone in our stories.
I sit here today with peace knowing my eternal Father is telling me it is okay to be disappointed. The future we imagined may not ever turn out like we planned. The sweetness of the past might never be fully recreated again. but it is okay.
He knows our deepest desires, as well as our deepest regrets, and our deepest fears. They are rooted from the same place: our connection to others. but that shouldn’t stop us to continue to love and dream big. To continue to jump and trust. To bet His words over the voice of doubt.
Join me. Join me in weeping amidst the sweetness of the Lord even here, right here in the middle of the desert. We can keep asking why and how, but those questions aren’t the point. I think the point is that they keep us turned to Him. Drawn to Him. because lets face it we are a stubborn breed. I know I can be. The wilderness isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but just remember He has given us a map. a way out of it. We have to choose to follow. again and again and again. His promise leads us towards land. Land where there is abundance and thanksgiving. Joy and gladness. no complaining, but singing.
So for today I am going to grieve. Tomorrow, I am going to watch The Cowboys win because I know that is what my dad would be doing :] and the day after that when I get sad, I will remember the sweet memories of my dad and I will speak God’s promise – that everything will be okay.